I described my creativity like a cat I was terrified of scaring off after it finally decided to sit on my lap and let me pet it. The analogy might undercut the sincerity of what I was saying.
I am genuinely scared of my creativity going away again. Or my current creative productivity anyway. I didn't have it for a Very Long Time and now that's it back I feel clingy, to say the least.
I don't think I was clingy initially. During the first drafts for Imogen & Finn and Audrey & Theo I wrote everyday happily, because I wanted to. But as I've been going through revisions, everyday isn't such a given. And there are often days where I don't write at all, either because I don't have time, I'm feeling stuck, or (the worst of all) I just don't feel like it. On those days, I stare at my manuscript and pretend that I'm going to write, knowing, really, that I won't, but feeling that if I'm not actively writing, then fixating on the story counts as 'working on it.'
If I were dating my creativity, it's a miracle it hasn't dumped me yet.
That's another humorous analogy, but truly this feels like a relationship that I'm learning to navigate and it's a struggle. I don't like the idea of brute forcing my creativity--making myself sit down everyday and write something regardless of where I'm at or how I'm feeling. Which is another reason that, at least at the moment, attempting to write as a career doesn't appeal. When it's about making money and doing so reliably, I don't see how brute force can be avoided.
I'd rather think of it as something that ebbs and flows but never really leaves. But that's tough too, trusting that a flow will come after an ebb. Hence the clinging. It feels safer and yet isn't actually satisfying.
Consider this my emo post. Hopefully this fills whatever quota exists for wallowing via blogging and there won't be any more for at least a year. I blame Finn and my menstrual cycle. The latter for obvious reasons and the former because his emotional arc is driving me nuts. But that's another post.
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